a thinker (introvert) fending off a talker (extravert)
You’ve seen this happen (in fact, it’s probably happened to you!):
Two people are having a minor conflict. It should be pretty easy to resolve, except that one of them wants to talk it out NOW, and the other one “has nothing to say.” Now they’re in conflict about talking about their conflict… and things can easily escalate from there.
Is this an example of poor sportsmanship? Inflexibility? Passive aggression?
Or is the problem one of styles?
Introvert, Meet Extravert
In the world of personality theory, an introvert is someone who likes to reflect on issues. An extravert, on the other hand, prefers to talk the issues through with others. Introverts can find it stressful to have their thought process interrupted; and extraverts can stress when they’re expected to come up with answers by themselves.
When you’re communicating with an unmanageable employee, these differences in style can heighten the tensions that already exist. Worse, they can lead one or both of you to assume that the other person is acting in bad faith, when in fact, it’s just a difference in how (and how quickly) you each prefer to move from thinking to speaking. (Slowly, versus lightning speed!)
So How Are We Supposed to Talk to Each Other?
Fortunately, as with most communication problems, understanding the source of tension can be half the battle. So here are some questions to help you get started:
- Does your UE leave his office or cube door open? Does he seem to gain energy in a crowd? Does he think a great group is at least 20 people? If so, he may be an Extravert, who needs to “talk to hear himself think.”
- Does your UE like to be alone? Does she seem to lose energy in large or boisterous settings? Does she prefer small gatherings? If so, she may be an Introvert, who holds her (communication) “cards” close.
Once you’ve thought about these questions, share your conclusions with your UE. Do his or her observations match yours? If you’re agreed that your styles differ, think together about how you can work together to minimize conflicts. For example:
- Extraverts will often respond better when, rather than trying to stonewall them, an Introvert says, “I know you’re eager to talk about this, but I need some time to gather my thoughts first. Why don’t we speak in half an hour?”
- And Introverts will often respond better when, rather than blasting them with words, an Extravert says, “I’m happy to wait to hear your thinking, but could I just share a few thoughts right now?”
Take Every Opportunity to Practice
Since these kinds of conflicts occur between friends and family members, as well as at work, you’ll probably find plenty of opportunities to practice this technique. Remember, the steps are:
- Notice that you’ve got a style conflict
- Share your observations with the other person, and
- Cooperate on meeting half way.
Let us know how that works for you!
